chapter 12: godly friendship

A sweet older lady used to always call me “Clayton’s wife” or “Mrs. Clayton.” I’m genuinely not sure she ever knew my first name. A female friend once heard her and asked me later why I didn’t correct her. I don’t think there would’ve been anything wrong with reminding her my name is Emily, but I honestly found it endearing to be so connected to Clayton each time I saw her. I felt the same way when my kids were in elementary school and their friends would come up and shout, “Hey, Austin’s mom!” or "Hey, Jonah’s mom!” as if that was my only name.

“Christian” is a much more important name than your given first name because it identifies you with your Savior. When people first see you, do they think first of your relationship with Christ, or do they see or think about something else? Your behavior should tell the world Who your very best friend is and Who is your reason for every breath. Choose your best friends based on those who can help you grow closer in your most important relationship.

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In any given day, an ordinary American interacts with an average of 11-16 “weak ties,” meaning people you don’t live with or consider close friends or family but who you run into for long enough to exchange at least quick pleasantries (Harvard Business Review 2020). If you consider your ordinary day, you likely realize quickly that for most of us, the majority of people we interact with aren’t Christians. Consider all the places you go to on a regular day – the grocery, the gas station, work, school, the gym, etc. In those interactions, how many of the people you see are also people you see on Sunday mornings at church services? How many of those people do you regularly talk to about God?

Yet, if you spend the majority of your week at work (as many people do), you spend the majority of your time during the week with people who probably aren’t saved. If that’s the case, you likely have established bonds with many people there. And there’s nothing automatically wrong with that.

Here’s the potential problem, though.

God calls us to be called out.

1 Peter 2:9 – “But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;”

He doesn’t ask us to be completely separated from everyone else, else we couldn’t also fulfill Jesus’ purpose to “seek and to save that which was lost” (Luke 19:10).

But when you need to talk to someone, do you reach first for your work friend, or do you instantly call your Christian friend who you know will pray for and with you?

Do you ever find yourself more eager to connect with someone outside the church because you haven’t spent enough time cultivating close Christian relationships? Are you reaching for your work friend because you’re worried about what your sister in Christ will think of your current problem?

Acts 11:26 establishes when the word Christian was first given. 2 Corinthians 5:17 reminds us that Christian is who we are, not simply a word. When we identify ourselves, let it be first by saying that we belong to Him.  

If you trust those in the world more than those in the church, stop and consider why.

What can you do to cultivate closer relationships in the church?
To better understand relationships, it’s good to look at relationship development. The Interpersonal Communication Book by Joseph DeVito describes stages of relationships.

During the initial “contact” stage of a relationship, most of the connection is nonverbal. Some relationships never make it past this stage. Have you ever seen someone at church services and instantly thought, “Yikes. She clearly doesn’t look like someone I’d want to talk to!” Maybe you thought she gave you a grouchy look or maybe you thought she looked way too busy to stop to talk. If so, you probably won’t make it past the contact stage with that person. You also may miss out on a conversation with an engaging, sweet person who has been waiting for someone like you to reach out. If you realize you’re not talking to many people in your congregation, make a goal about how many new people you’ll reach out to before or after each service over the next month.

(Self disclosure: I have been told more than once that I look grouchy. I promise I’m usually not. I am, however, very introverted, and perfectly content with silence. I can feel anxious in loud areas or around big personalities. I LOVE public speaking, though, which usually surprises people. I am much more confident speaking to a crowd of 200 than speaking to five people I’ve never met.)

If you make it past the contact stage, you reach the “involvement” stage. At the involvement stage, you begin to test the relationship by asking questions and seeing if there are any similarities or connections. It’s possible, of course, that a relationship stops at this stage and remains at the acquaintance level. As Christians, we should never really be satisfied with that. We don’t have to be best friends with everyone in our congregation, but we should never be ok only knowing others on a very superficial level. Make a goal over the next month to ask two or three questions to people you don’t yet know very well in your congregation. Questions could be about their jobs, their hobbies, what they’re planning for that week, etc. Start a real conversation instead of simply asking about the weather.

The next stage is “committed” or “intimate.” At this level, you and I share friends and expect to hear from each other and see each other on a regular basis, and not just as worship services. If something happens – good or bad – within my physical family, you’re on the list of people I would reach out to instantly. Many relationships stay at this level longterm. Ideally, this is this case. Make a plan this week to have coffee, ice cream, or a full meal with someone from your congregation. Do whatever will take the least time to plan and will ensure it actually happens. Instead of making it into a big event, simply invite one or two people and keep it casual. Try to do this at least twice a month.

What can you do to maintain relationships within the church?
Now that you’ve hopefully begun establishing closer relationships with your sisters in Christ, what can you do to maintain those relationships in a healthy way?

The suggestions that are shared next come from a list found in the Interpersonal Communication Book, but you’ll notice quickly that many of these are rooted in biblical teaching. The first suggestion seems super obvious because it’s straight from God’s word: Be nice. Read 1 Peter 3:8. What are some specific ways that you can demonstrate kindness in the coming week? Who is someone with whom you’ve been attempting to cultivate a stronger relationship who could potentially use a special kindness in the coming days?

A second way to maintain your Christian relationships is to communicate regularly. Just as was mentioned in our discussion of prayer, if you never talk to God or read His word, it’s hard to claim you have a good relationship with your Father. In the same way, you can’t pretend one of your Christian sisters is someone you love and care about if you rarely talk to her and don’t remember her husband’s name or know if she has any children. What are specific ways you can create more opportunities to communicate with your sisters?

A third way to maintain your relationship is to honestly share your struggles. Galatians 6:2 tells us to bear each other’s burdens. It’s impossible to do that if I’m unwilling to share those with you. So often what we discover when we’re fully honest is that there are so many others who have been through the same temptations. When we’re willing to be transparent about our challenges (fulfilling God’s law), we discover quickly that there are others who are willing to walk us through to the other side. When we suffer silently, we often suffer needlessly.

A fourth way to create stronger relationships is to share joint activities. During a typical week how much of your time is spent with Christians? Pull out your calendar and calculator again and carefully consider your time. If you have a full-time job and you’re not working solely with Christians (which would be great but is certainly rare), how can you create more purposeful opportunities for yourself and for your family to be surrounded with Christians and Christian influences?

When you begin to cultivate stronger relationships with Christian sisters, it becomes easier to break away from relationships that aren’t godly. When you’re purposely surrounding yourself with people who encourage you to head toward heaven, there isn’t as much time to associate with those who could tempt you away from it.