chapter 6: don't let anger overcome you

James 1:19: “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (emphasis mine)

I have two younger sisters, one three years younger and one nine years younger. When we were growing up, my middle sister and I got into lots of silly arguments. I don’t remember most of those arguments now that we’re adults. We would scratch each other and say mean things to each other, but our goal after we’d made up was to avoid letting Mom and Dad know that we’d been in an argument. We knew better than to let it escalate because we didn’t want to get in trouble. The good news is that I genuinely like her now, and I’m pretty sure she likes me ok, too.

I say that to say this. While 1 Corinthians 13 is talking about spiritual gifts, I don’t think it’s a misapplication to use verse 11 when talking about Christian maturity.

1 Corinthians 13:11 – “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

It’s pretty normal for kids on a playground to argue, even to the point of hurting each other (which I’m clearly not recommending). Most kids quickly get over those arguments, though, and still want to play with each other the next day. While in some ways it would be good for us to be like children – quick to forgive and move on even after fierce arguments, it would be foolish for adult Christians to spend their time daily behaving like kids on a playground.

Do you want to be like God? Be slow to anger!

Nahum 1:3: "The Lord is slow to anger and great in power..."

Christians should be the first to calm a conflict, not the first to escalate. There’s no victory if someone I love – or someone God loves (and that’s everyone!) – is caused pain by my words or my gloating.

Matthew 5:9: “Blessed are the peacemakers, For they shall be called sons of God.”

If I see someone upset or arguing at work, am I eager to pile on or take a side, or am I eager to find a resolution? Am I looking to smooth things out, or am I pulling other people in and making sure everyone knows what’s going on?

If I see someone post a potentially inflammatory opinion on social media, am I always eager to post a reply or have the last word, even when I know my words might escalate an already volatile situation? Do I eagerly share every controversial opinion, without double-checking its accuracy or considering how others will perceive it?  

Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.”

Sometimes we focus too much on the first word (“If”) and allow ourselves to excuse bad behavior by pretending more circumstances are “ifs” than really are. In reality, much depends on me, and I should live my life bending over backwards to create peace.

When my children or my spouse is grouchy and an argument is about to boil, am I eager to get the last word in, or do I control my tongue for Christ’s sake?

Have I learned to stay quiet even when I’m right if what I’m arguing about has no eternal value?

Remember that the value of a soul is always worth more than winning an argument. You don’t really win if a soul is in jeopardy afterwards.

When you see a conflict – in person or in writing – think FIRST about what you can do to provide peace, not how you can add to the chaos.

CONFLICT MANAGEMENT
Is my anger leading me to make good decisions or bad ones? The verse that immediately follows “swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” is James 1:20.
James 1:20: “for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

The reason for my eagerness to listen and my hesitancy to speak is because God knows that wrath often follows when I don’t follow those rules, and righteousness is never the result of wrath.

Ephesians 4:26-27: “26‘Be angry, and do not sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, 27 nor give place to the devil.”

We all feel angry at times, but we have God-given instructions to not let that anger overtake us in sin. We’re also told not to let our anger (“wrath”) linger (“do not let the sun go down”). If I find myself stewing in my frustrations, I “give place to the devil,” offering the devil additional opportunities to tempt me.

A study of Proverbs is full of practical advice about conflict.  

There can be value in venting, but there’s even more value in keeping some things to myself.
Proverbs 29:11: “A fool vents all his feelings, But a wise man holds them back.”

I don’t have to call attention to every problem I see.
Proverbs 19:11: “The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, And his glory is to overlook a transgression.”

Am I excitedly running to tell my friends and family about all the problems that I spot, or am I eager to forget them, remembering that I want the same grace? Do my spouse and children know more about the problems in the church than they know about the things and people I love? When we leave services on Sunday, is the car ride home filled with conversation about all the things we loved or filled with complaints about all the things I thought went wrong?

There are times when conflict happens, and I can’t avoid it. When that happens, my volume matters. Screaming and yelling rarely causes someone to respond positively to you.

Have you ever gotten really frustrated with one of your children, and found yourself raising your voice in anger? One of the best ways to get a child’s attention is not to yell but to speak very quietly instead. God gave us this wisdom many years before psychologists and parenting books began including it as advice.  

Proverbs 15:1: “A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.”

The next time you’re tempted to yell or scream, read Proverbs 15:1 two or three times first. Lower your volume and see what happens next.

And remember – This advice wasn’t written explicitly for parents. Use it in any situation when your temper begins to flare.