chapter 8: talking without talking (1 of 2)

NOTE: I will not be covering ALL aspects of nonverbal communication in these two chapters. Dress, for instance, is only covered briefly, as many other authors have covered this extensively from a biblical perspective. 

Additionally, people who are neurodivergent, including those on the autism spectrum, may not use nonverbal communication in the same way as those who are neurotypical. It’s important not to hold anyone to any standard but the Bible. If people in your congregation aren’t exhibiting typical nonverbal communication, they may be neurodivergent. Don’t assume they are rude or unloving. Get to know the people you live, work, and worship with, so you can better understand how they ordinarily behave.

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Your best friend asks how you’re doing. You say “fine” with puffy eyes and tears streaming down your face. She probably won’t be your best friend much longer if she walks away while saying, “Great! Have a good rest of your day!”

When your verbal message doesn’t match your nonverbal message, most people have learned to rely on the nonverbal. Older research said 90 percent of our communication meaning could be taken from the nonverbal, but more updated and, probably, reliable research says it’s more like 65 percent. Even 65 percent, though, is a significant amount! People generally trust our nonverbal communication and not just what we say (Guerrero & Floyd, 2006). And if you think back to the “I’m fine” conversation, you would likely agree that people should trust your nonverbals instead of just your spoken words.

Let’s look at different types of nonverbal communication, where we find examples of them within the Bible, and how they could potentially relate to us as the church. What’s included below isn’t exhaustive, as several secular books have been written on nonverbal communication, and I’m confident entire books could be written on this topic from a biblical perspective, too. Feel free to add your own examples in the margins as you study each category.

KINESICS
The first general category of nonverbal communication we’ll discuss is kinesics. This is the same root word from which we get kinesiology, or the study of body movement. Included in this category are things like facial expressions, eye contact, and gestures.

EYE CONTACT
Proverbs 20:12 – “The hearing ear and the seeing eye, The Lord has made them both.”
God made our eyes and gave us the ability to see and connect with others visually. He expects us to use our eyes to His glory.

Proverbs 15:30 – “The light of the eyes rejoices the heart, And a good report makes the bones healthy.”

Our eyes should light up when we see others doing good, when we see our Christian friends, and when we’re communicating with others about the Bible. Can you think of other times when your eyes should light up with biblical joy? 

We should be eager to connect with others through our eye contact and demonstrate that we truly want to pay attention when we’re engaged in conversations.

I can make good or bad decisions with my eyes.

Psalm 119:37 – “Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, And revive me in Your way.”
What a wonderful prayer! Am I truly seeking to look away from “worthless things” or do I make excuses for the worthless things I spend my time looking at? Going back to the calendar example in an earlier chapter, how much time do my eyes spend on things that aren’t valuable? Am I praying to look away, and then actively working to do it?

One simple example is this -
Do you find yourself scrolling social media, reading fiction, or watching mindless television when you could better spend your time praying or reading God’s word instead? While there’s nothing automatically wrong with leisure (as long as it doesn’t otherwise violate God’s rules), are there times when your eyes are fixed on things that you’d be embarrassed for your Christian friends to see you watching or reading? If so, remember that God already knows and sees every “worthless thing.”

Post Psalm 119:37 somewhere prominently in your home this week and refer to it regularly. When you’re tempted to do some mindless scrolling or TV watching, consider how your time might be spent better. Could you read your Bible more or spend more time in prayer? Could you send a card or call a friend who needs encouragement?

Check your congregation’s prayer list and/or weekly announcements and find two or three specific people to pray for daily this week. Each time you find yourself doing some boredom reading or watching, make sure you pause to pray first instead.

Job 31:1 - “I have made a covenant with my eyes; Why then should I look upon a young woman?”
James 1:14-16 – “14But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. 15 Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.16 Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren.”

What am I doing to ensure my brethren can more easily keep their covenants in my presence? Am I purposely wearing revealing clothing because I think I look attractive when wearing it, or am I doing my best to help others avoid lust by wearing clothing that draws eyes to my face instead? Am I allowing my children to wear clothing I know attracts the wrong sorts of attention because it’s in style or because I want to avoid an argument, even though I know it’s not something God approves?

Not just men lust. Women lust, too. Have I made a covenant with my own eyes, that I’ll look away when I find myself tempted, and that I’ll remove myself from situations where I cannot avoid the temptation?

Have you ever heard a Christian friend talk to you about wanting to watch a specific television program or movie simply because of the “hot guy” that is featured, often in minimal clothing or in clothing that is clearly meant to accentuate his physique? Or, is this you? Do you pick specific shows or movies only because you know the actor in it is particularly good looking? Do you seek out programming with no real plot just because the romantic lead is attractive? Know, too, that even if you’re not actively seeking out such content it can show up in commercials, online, and elsewhere. This is important to talk about with your children and to be on guard about yourself. Be careful what is attracting your eyes, and don’t allow Satan to pull you into sin.

KNEELING OR PROSTRATE
The idea of kneeling or falling prostrate to the ground in the Bible often demonstrates humility or begging. It shows a complete reliance on God. A few examples are noted below.

Pause to study each of these examples.

Daniel – Daniel 6:10
In Daniel 6, what do we read about Daniel’s daily prayers? What was his posture? Where did he pray? How often did he pray? What was included in his prayers? How long had this been his practice? (While only verse 10 is included in this reading, if you read further, consider what happens to Daniel as a result of his consistent prayers, seen visibly by those around him. Do others know that you pray?)  

Garden of Gethsemane – Matthew 26:36-46
What words do you read that explain Jesus’ position during this prayer? What does this potentially tell you about his emotions during this time?

Leper – Mark 1:40-45
What position does the leper take when he approaches Jesus? What does this potentially demonstrate about his belief or about his humility?

Jairus – Luke 8:40-42, 49-56
What do we know about Jairus’ job from reading verse 41? In the same verse, what do we discover about his physical position when he approached Jesus to ask him to heal his daughter? In verses 49-56, we read about Jairus’ daughter’s death and her subsequent resurrection by Jesus. What are some of the nonverbal reactions you read about during these verses?

Can you think of other biblical examples of kneeling, in prayer or otherwise?

When is the last time you fell to your knees in prayer?

Read Psalm 95. In verse 6, what posture does the Psalmist suggest for worship?
*Even if bowing or kneeling is not physically possible for you, when was the last time you exhibited that level of humility in your prayers before God? What can you do that demonstrates to God in your physical appearance that you understand your position relative to His?

STANDING

When you attend a wedding or a funeral, there are likely parts of the ceremony when you’re asked to stand to show respect. You may have also attended a military or political event when a dignitary was announced, and everyone stood to signify their allegiance to the person who was announced.

In Nehemiah 8:5, we read about Ezra reading God’s word to the people around him. As he read, both he and the people he was reading to stood in reverence as they listened to what God said. We see another example of standing while listening to God’s word in Luke 4:16 when Jesus went into the synagogue to read Scripture.

It's not customary, likely for practical reasons, for many congregations to ask people to stand when Bible verses are read, but there’s certainly Biblical precedent (not Biblical command) for doing so. The next time you’re teaching a Ladies’ class or reading verses on your own, consider standing to do so.  Something as simple as our posture can change the way we listen to the words we hear.