chapter 4: stop talking and listen (2 of 2)

One of the most common problems people have when listening is preparing an answer instead of truly tuning in to what’s said. Stephen Covey, who wrote the worldwide bestseller “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” (and its many follow-ups), is famously quoted as saying, “Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to respond.”

Long before Covey, God had already written about this in Proverbs.

Proverbs 18:13 – “He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.”

I can't hear as well if I’m always talking or waiting for a pause to talk. Are you a constant interrupter? Do you realize after most of your conversations that you haven’t really learned anything about the other person? Are you constantly waiting for the other person to take a breath so you can insert whatever you want to say? STOP!

Sit back quietly, ask more questions, and listen more!

1 Thessalonians 4:11 addresses the idea of living a “quiet life.”
The passage says, “that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you.”

A couple of verses prior (in verse 9), Paul tells the brethren that they have no reason for him to address them on the topic of brotherly love, presumably meaning they’re already well informed on that topic and know how to do it. As he moves on to verse 10, he encourages them to love “more and more.” When he moves to verse 11, he says he wants them to “also aspire to lead a quiet life” (emphasis mine).

●      Are you pursuing a quiet life or are you constantly filling your calendar with a clutter of things other than God?

●      When Paul says “mind your own business,” have you considered what that truly means? Do you follow Jesus’ lead (Luke 2:49) or are you constantly meddling in other people’s affairs?

●      God created you for good works. (Ephesians 2:10) Are you living up to your purpose?

●      The final section of this passage encourages hard work. While an initial glance might indicate it’s referencing manual labor (and that’s certainly included), the primary purpose for talking about work is to encourage the brethren not to be idle while waiting for Jesus’ return. Paul is reminding the brethren that doing nothing at all won’t encourage others to seek out Jesus.

You can’t do any of those things effectively if you’re not doing the first thing, though, which is living a “quiet life.” When you look at your calendar each week, double-check and ensure you have built-in quiet time. If you don’t, consider that your calendar is too full and look for things you can remove.

Next, note the times in Scripture when Jesus asked questions to provoke his listeners to think. (You may already have notes about this from Chapter 1.) While these questions were sometimes included in a longer sermon, there are multiple instances where the question itself was the primary part of the conversation. In the book of Matthew alone, I count more than 80 individual questions. See how many questions you spot and note both how they’re asked and answered.  

Proverbs 17:27-28 –
27“He who has knowledge spares his words, And a man of understanding is of a calm spirit. 28 Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace;
When he shuts his lips, he is considered perceptive.”

When you’re engaged in conversations, look for ways to be truly engaged. A 2012 study in The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships indicated that just having a cell phone visible during a conversation made people feel less connected. If I’m less connected to you during the conversation, it’s likely we’ll talk about more shallow topics.

A 2018 study published in The Journal of Experimental Social Psychology indicated that people who have their phone out during meals are not only less likely to engage in conversations, but they’re also less happy overall. If you find yourself constantly reaching for your phone even when you have no important call or text on the way, consider whether it’s ok to put your phone aside and on silent so you focus more intently on the people who are nearby instead. (For a simplified version of this study, read this Time article: https://time.com/5178352/phone-ruining-dinner/).

(NOTE: It’s important to remember that not everyone who has their phone out is uninterested or being rude. As has been mentioned in prior contexts, for some people who are neurodiverse, having earbuds or using cell phones allows them to interact more effectively. Never assume that because someone has a cell phone out that he or she isn’t communicating or is being rude. Parents are allowed to create rules within their own houses, and it’s not fair to make assumptions about tables you’re not asked to sit at or houses that aren’t your own.)

Just because someone is talking doesn’t always mean we should listen, though. Clearly, there are plenty of people talking whom we shouldn’t listen to. Consider, for instance, Jeremiah 23:16: “Thus says the Lord of hosts: ‘Do not listen to the words of the prophets who prophesy to you. They make you worthless; They speak a vision of their own heart, Not from the mouth of the Lord.” (There are other similar passages in the Old Testament where God instructs His people to not listen to prophets who are leading his people astray. What examples can you find?)

What lesson can we learn from that message today? Are there times when a religious leader, in or outside the church, speaks eloquently but is speaking lies? Are there times when someone appears godly, but a quick study of Scripture would reveal that what s/he is saying isn’t truth? Those are the times when we should stop our ears and avoid listening.

When was the last time you sang “The Wise Man Built His House Upon a Rock”? If you just concentrated on the hand motions, you missed out on the most important part. Go back and reread Matthew 7:24-27. Note what the wise man did better than the foolish man. Yes, he built his house on a firm foundation. Yes, his house ultimately stood through the storm. Note, however, what is said in verse 24: “…whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man…” Jesus’ message isn’t about who was the best carpenter. His message was about who was the better listener. The best listeners hear and can then respond appropriately.

Proverbs 1:33 expresses another sentiment about safety found when we listen to God: “But whoever listens to me will dwell safely, And will be secure, without fear of evil.” If you want true security and rest without fear, then listen to God.

So, who/what should you listen to?

God (God’s Word) (John 8:47) – Pay special attention to what this verse says about you if you don’t listen to God’s word.
Godly counselors (Proverbs 11:14)
Wise Rebukes (Proverbs 25:12)
Older Christian women (Titus 2:3-5)

WHAT ARE OTHER EXAMPLES THROUGHOUT THE BIBLE THAT YOU READ ABOUT?

WHO IS THE BEST LISTENER YOU KNOW?

WHAT, SPECIFICALLY, DOES THAT PERSON DO THAT MAKES YOU FEEL LISTENED TO WHEN YOU TALK TO HER OR HIM?