chapter 7: what others think of me matters to god

It’s not unusual to hear people proudly say things like, “Love me or hate me” or “I am who I am.” The problem with that, of course, is that God has never asked others to mold to our behavior; He has, instead, asked us to mold our behavior to His. Ultimately, it’s important to remember my example could draw someone else to heaven or help lead them to hell.

Am I drawing others to me? Or drawing them to God?
Am I preferring others or behaving selfishly?

Romans 12:10 – “Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another”

First, what does “be kindly affectionate…with brotherly love” mean? The Greek terms include both brotherly and friendly love. When we’re talking about our church family, we should feel like we’re talking about both our family and our dearest friends. These should be the people we feel the closest to on earth.

What does “giving preference to one another” mean? Another way of translating this is “outdo one another in showing honor.” If we’re going to be competitive with our brethren, let it be in our love for each other. Let us look for opportunities to demonstrate love.

An example of giving preference is found in the account of Abraham and Lot in Genesis 13. There is no reason whatsoever that Lot should’ve had his choice of land, but Abraham “preferred” his nephew. He loved him so much that he sacrificed himself to provide for Lot instead. If you’re a parent, you can likely relate in some way to what Abraham did, as you have probably given up something you wanted because your child desired it. Last chicken nugget, anyone? Now, think of this when thinking of your sisters and brothers at church, too!

The ultimate example, of course, is Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. Despite His personal desire to “let this cup pass” (Matthew 26:39), He was willing to suffer a humiliating and horribly painful death on the cross to ensure my ability to live with Him forever.

Yet another way to prefer one another is to pay attention to others’ personal cues.

In so many places, particularly within the New Testament epistles, the Holy Spirit inspired writings about how to stay united even when you’re dealing with people from different cultural backgrounds. In their case, it included things like whether to eat meat offered to idols or what to do on issues like circumcision.

Using that as our guidance, it’s important to remember that we, too, want to stay united when there are unimportant issues threatening the unity of our individual relationships or the unity of our congregations.

If a sister prefers to greet me with a hug each time she sees me, I’ll greet her with a hug each time she sees me, even though I’m not typically a touchy-feely person. If a brother feels obligated to wear a face mask for several months longer than current health mandates and prefers to sit a little further away due to personal health concerns, I’ll respect his distance and wave in the friendliest way I can. If a mom wants to stay in Bible class with her child even after being gently encouraged to attend the adult class instead, I’ll be thankful she is bringing her sweet ones to class and ask if she’d like to help with some of the pre-class activities.

My example in how I treat people could draw people closer to God or push them away.

Imagine a new Christian is adjusting to your congregation. She has recently converted from Islam and is a recent immigrant from Pakistan. She grew up in a family where head coverings are both culturally and religiously important. I’m not going to talk to her about her head scarf during each conversation, unless we’re talking about the colors or fashion. There’s nothing sinful about her continuing to wear a head scarf, just as there would be nothing sinful about someone being circumcised or refusing to eat meat offered to idols in the First Century. The only thing that could become sinful would be if she began to talk to others about why they should also wear similar attire within the congregation to be pleasing to God. My goal as her sister would be to welcome her, love her, and help her get to heaven. If she asks me what I think about head coverings, what a fun study! But I won’t make that our first – or only – conversation.

God wants unity within our congregations. Am I looking for reasons to argue with my sisters and brothers, or am I pursuing connections?

Psalm 133:1:
“Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brethren to dwell together in unity!”

When God looks at me, does He see someone who actively tries to get along with others or someone who is always looking for reasons to argue or disagree?

1 Corinthians 1:10: “Now I plead with you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment.”

If I see division, what am I doing to fix it? Paul wrote to the Corinthian brethren, by inspiration of the Holy Spirit, that there should be “no divisions.”

I see no evidence in this or other verses that the way to be united is to “kick out” weaker brethren. Remember, we are admonished to “comfort the fainthearted” and “uphold the weak” (1 Thessalonians 5:14). The goal then must be to know each other well enough that we are bearing each other’s burdens and truly united in our journey to heaven.

As I’m considering the unity of my current congregation -
Do I associate with only a small group of Christians? Are there others I’m purposely avoiding?
Think about how many people are in your congregation and how many people you regularly talk to for no longer than a handshake (or not even that). It’s ok to be closer to some than others (we see close connections between Paul and specific members within congregations he visits – stop to read the salutations in each of his epistles for examples), but you don’t want to be in a congregation of 150 and truly know less than 15.

Who within your congregation would you feel comfortable texting in the middle of the night, for any reason? If you struggle to think of many people from your congregation, consider why. What could you do to expand your list?

If you ever feel disconnected, it’s likely others are feeling the same way. What can you do to help them feel more comfortable? What can you do to reach out to people who haven’t ordinarily been in your circle?

When I’m connecting with others in my congregation, am I complimenting them on things God cares about? Or do I pick on people’s flaws and only seem to notice their exterior appearance?

Do my children hear me praise fellow Christians when we’re at home, or do they hear me point out every flaw in the sermon or every issue with the song leading?

What would others say about me? Do my fellow Christians see me as approachable and kind, or am I regularly grouchy and unapproachable? Am I someone the rest of the congregation feels nervous about talking to?

When I talk to people in my congregation, am I loving and caring, or am I consistently someone that others would want to avoid because of the harsh way I talk or the way I regularly look for things to criticize?

While my salvation isn’t automatically tied to your opinion of me, I should care deeply what my influence is both within the congregation and without. Because my influence matters to God.

1 Peter 2:12:  “having your conduct honorable among the Gentiles, that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may, by your good works which they observe, glorify God in the day of visitation.”

Will my conduct make it hard for others to continue to speak evil about me, or will God be glorified because of my actions?

WHO ARE THREE SPECIFIC PEOPLE YOU CAN ENCOURAGE THIS WEEK?
(Send a card or text, or make a phone call or in-person comment to let someone know about something specific they've done or do that encourages you! Look through your church directory or phone contacts for someone you haven't spoken to recently, and make an effort this week to reach out!)

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