chapter 13: how to talk when you'd rather be quiet

My best friend comes up to me eager to share the latest “news” about someone we both know. My child comes home from school and tells me about a challenging situation with a bully. A sister in my congregation confides in me that she is questioning her faith. A brother texts to let me know that he’s been diagnosed with a terminal illness.

On any given day, we all deal with several different conversations that we’d probably rather avoid. Yet with God’s help, these are all opportunities to show God’s love and hopefully help someone else see Him as well.

In this chapter, we won’t discuss every possible tough topic that might come up, but we’ll talk about three tough situations and the general principles that could guide us. Hopefully, by considering these principles, we will feel more equipped to handle other potentially challenging situations when they arise.

A COUPLE OF QUICK NOTES:
It’s important to remember that some situations don’t require our intervention at all. While there are times when we must speak up to be pleasing to God, there are also times when it’s wise for us to be “slow to speak” and listen or observe instead. (Reread or review the listening chapters for more thoughts on this subject.)

It’s also important to know that sometimes I’m not the right person to speak up, but someone else is. Consider a time when you were a child and messed up in some way. Depending on the situation, was there a specific parent (or other person) you reached out to first to talk to about it? Was there someone else you tried very hard to make sure didn’t know, at least initially? In the same way, sometimes we should be careful not to jump into action if the situation is tense and our relationship isn’t strong. If I have potentially harsh words to say, but I’ve rarely even said “hi” to you before, it’s probably not a good idea for me to speak up now. If the two of us are friendly but not really friends, I may not be the best person to speak to you about things you should correct. I need to work on developing a relationship with you instead.   

…

Now, imagine three specific scenarios that could come up and how I can potentially handle them in a godly way:

You overhear a sister telling an inappropriate joke.

Depending on the specifics of the joke, you may respond in different ways, but because you’ve overheard this and it wasn’t directed to you, your first job is to ask the person directly to repeat what you think was said. This could be done by simply saying something like, “Could you say that again?” or “Could you explain what you meant by that?” How the sister answers will determine how you respond further. If she responds in a way that indicates you misunderstood initially, you can be thankful you clarified and move on. If she says what you thought she said, you then need to follow up.

To follow up, respond based on the specifics of the joke. If the joke was racist, for instance, what can you learn from Paul’s teaching to the Corinthians about how the Jews and Gentiles should treat one another? If the joke included inappropriate language, talk to your sister about why the language isn’t an appropriate reflection of Christ. What does Colossians 4:6 say and mean that could help in this instance?

Always remember in situations like this that your goal is to help your sister on her path to heaven. Your goal is not to catch someone doing something wrong or to prove your own superiority.

1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us that “No temptation” is unique. This means that if we see someone else falling into a sinful situation, we must approach them with humility and kindness, knowing it’s possible we could also experience the same temptation. 

1 Corinthians 10:13:
“No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”

The good news in that verse, of course, is that we know we will always be able to escape temptation if we choose to do so.

If the sister agrees that the joke she shared was inappropriate and she repents, then the conversation ends after her repentance, and our relationship continues as if the joke had never been said. If she doesn’t repent, refer to Matthew 18:15-17 (this is best read in fuller context by reading verses both before and after). Remember, our goal is always to help our sister to heaven, not to embarrass her or to exert superiority. 1 Corinthians 10:12 is an important reminder in situations like this, so I stay humble. (It's clear it comes before verse 13 for a reason!)

A sister shares gossip with you about someone else in the congregation.

As with many issues of the tongue, Proverbs has much to say about gossip. Spend some time this week reading through Proverbs and looking for verses that talk about gossip. Mark the verses or take notes about them in a separate journal.

One of the most important things you can do is always ensure that the gossip that is said stops with you. Proverbs 11:13 says:

“A talebearer reveals secrets,
But he who is of a faithful spirit conceals a matter.”

Past that, though, you have a responsibility to speak to your sister further, because of the admonition given in Proverbs 20:19, which tells you not to associate with someone who “flatters with the lips.” If I don’t want to end my relationship with you (and I shouldn’t because I want you in heaven with me!), then I must talk to you about your behavior and pray together that you’ll repent.

Often, gossip is untrue or unproven. Proverbs 19:5 tells us that if we share gossip or speak lies, we will be punished. Proverbs 16:28 tells us that gossip divides even best friends.

One of my favorite verses about gossip is found is Proverbs 26:20. Read what follows:

“Where there is no wood, the fire goes out;
And where there is no talebearer, strife ceases.”

This verse essentially says that if a gossip has no audience, s/he will stop talking. For what it’s worth, this is true whether the gossip is being shared in person, online, or in other ways. Don’t act interested or share what’s said further, and soon the person will stop gossiping to you.

While talking to a non-Christian friend, s/he shares religious information that you know isn’t accurate.

Before you jump into corrections, consider all of the good things about this conversation. First, you have someone interested in talking to you about a godly topic. Second, you have a potential opportunity to learn more about this person’s beliefs. Third, you have an opportunity to do a more intensive study to ensure that what you have previously believed is accurate and based on God’s word.

There have been many secular books, lectures, and methods written for having biblical discussions, but as long as you teach truth and love God and love your neighbor in all you say and do, there really isn’t a magic way to do it. Personality impacts how all of us choose to interact with friends, so what works for a friend and me might not work for you and one of your friends.

Proverbs is a good resource, yet again, for guidance on correcting a friend.

Proverbs 27:5-6 -
"5Open rebuke is better
Than love carefully concealed.
6Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful."

Proverbs 27 reminds us that temporary flattery from an enemy can make us feel good, but it’s not good for us in the long term. If you’re only hanging around people who consistently tell you about your greatness, you probably need better friends.

If someone tells me what they believe on a religious topic and I know they’re wrong but stay silent, I’m contributing to their error. They may ultimately confidently share that incorrect knowledge with others or, even worse, tell others they talked to me about it earlier.

To see a biblical example of how to handle such this kind of issue, look at how Paul spoke up in Acts 17:16-34. Take time to read through the whole passage.

In verse 16, we see that Paul’s “spirit was provoked” when he saw that the people were worshiping idols. Yet, instead of racing into the synagogue and yelling and screaming, we see him “reasoning” (verse 17) and sharing the truth plainly in verses 22-31. It’s important to note that not everyone who listened eagerly responded to him (verse 32), but verse 34 confirms for us that some followed him and believed.

When we share God’s word, especially when we’re contradicting what someone has previously believed, we cannot expect everyone to jump in and agree. The good news, though, is that if we speak up for God, there will always be some who are willing to listen.

One of my favorite secular books on tough conversations is called Crucial Conversations. It’s short, practical, and easy-to-read. One of the things it talks about when engaging in challenging dialogue is that when we hesitate it’s usually for one of three reasons –

1) Opposing opinions

2) Strong emotions

3) High stakes

Think back to the last conversation you really needed to have and consider if one – or more – of those three held you back. Did your opposing opinions on a biblical topic cause you to stay quiet instead of speaking up on God’s behalf? Did you stay quiet because you were afraid you couldn’t keep your anger or sadness (or other emotion) under control? Were you afraid to engage in a tough conversation because you knew a soul was at stake?

Let’s look more carefully at all three of these:

1. Opposing opinions –Be careful that you’re not pushing others to agree with you, especially if your opinion is of no eternal consequence. If, however, false doctrine is being taught and could cost souls, then remember the importance of “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). Read all of Ephesians 4 to get a fuller context of what’s intended in that verse. Verse 14 of the same chapter talks about not being “tossed to and fro” by all sorts of doctrines. It’s much harder to be tossed around if you’re well grounded by study, prayer, and strong Christian friends who are willing to call you out when you get things wrong.

2. Strong emotions – In most cases, there’s no hard and fast rule about how – and sometimes when – you have to respond. For instance, if you know your anger or tears will take over if you respond immediately out loud, it may be wise to slow down and speak to someone when you’ve had more time to carefully consider your words. While I greatly enjoy public speaking, I far prefer writing when I know I’m feeling upset. It allows me to think and rethink things before I hit “send,” and it sometimes prompts me to simply hit “delete” and talk to God again instead. My husband knows that when I’m upset with him about something, he can usually expect an email. That type of argument works for us because we both tend to respond in kinder ways in writing than we would when we’re just saying the first thing that pops to the top of our heads.

3. High stakes – It’s very tough to have a conversation with someone when you know the conversation has big consequences. If, for instance, I know what I’m about to tell you will require one or more of us to repent, it’s no wonder that it may be stressing me out. Read Galatians 2:11-14. Consider the moment in Galatians 2:11, when Paul, in the midst of others, “withstood [Peter] to the face.” The good news in this case is that we see no evidence that Peter sulked or jumped up and screamed. Instead, we know that Peter and Paul continued to work together successfully afterwards. We can assume then that their relationship was such that Peter respected what Paul had to say and that Paul said what needed to be said in a way that Peter was able to hear it. Remember the next time you need to speak up to consider your own relationship with the person and to consider how and where to have the conversation.

After reading these materials, who is someone you know you need to talk to, and what do you need to talk about? Why are you putting this conversation off? Commit to pray about this conversation in the coming week.