chapter 9: talking without talking (2 of 2)

NOTE: As said in the prior chapter, I will not be covering ALL aspects of nonverbal communication in these chapters. Please see my note in Chapter 8 regarding neurodiversity if you haven’t already read it.

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HAPTICS
Haptics is a technical and scientific word for touch communication. You may have seen – or used – the word in reference to your touchscreen or vibrations on your cell phone. Haptics in nonverbal communication includes things like hugging, kissing, shaking hands, embracing, and other forms of physically touching. The Bible has more to say about this than you might have guessed.

KISSING
Let’s start by talking about kissing in the Bible. Whether you’ve thought about it or not, kissing is mentioned more than you may have previously considered. It’s mentioned both in romantic, positive ways (think Song of Solomon) and in negative ones (think Judas). And it’s also mentioned in ways that we often write off as mostly cultural (“Greet one another with a holy kiss. All the churches of Christ greet you.” – Romans 16:16), but maybe we should look at more carefully. We won’t look at every instance when a kiss is mentioned, but I’d encourage you to dig in and do a word study of your own after considering the verses mentioned below.

Judas’ betrayal

Matthew 27:48-49 – “48 Now His betrayer had given them a sign, saying, ‘Whomever I kiss, He is the One; seize Him.’ 49 Immediately he went up to Jesus and said, ‘Greetings, Rabbi!’ and kissed Him.”

Proverbs 27:6 – “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”

A kiss can be hurtful. Have you ever felt connected to someone and then later realized that the connection was fake? Has someone ever behaved kindly or even affectionately to you in public spaces, but you realized later s/he was speaking ill of you when you weren’t around? It’s easy to feel flattered when someone shows you affection, but it’s always smart to consider the person. The Proverbs writer reminds us that a friend can sometimes wound us temporarily with honest rebukes or critiques, but an enemy’s flattery will do nothing but deceive us. That’s what Judas’ kiss was after all - an outward expression of love that was meant for something that certainly wasn’t loving. We can truly only imagine the sorrow Jesus must’ve felt when Judas kissed Him.

The prodigal son

Luke 15:20 – “And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him.”

Can you imagine the joy of the Father when he sees his lost son who’s now come home? I love that the Bible includes the words “he was still a great way off” within this passage. We don’t have all the details, but can’t you imagine the father with his hand on his forehead and his eyes widening when he realizes this is the son he’s been praying about every moment since he left? And his immediate reaction is to run with compassion, fall on his neck, and kiss him. What a wonderful reunion that must’ve been! When we talk to those who have fallen away or are struggling with whether they’d be welcome in our congregations, this is the example we all need to remember. Let us all be like this father, who represents God. Let us all be eager to show compassion and love to those who need it, knowing any of us could fall just as easily (1 Corinthians 10:12).

Now let’s talk about “holy kisses.”
2 Corinthians 13:12 – “Greet one another with a holy kiss.” (see also Romans 16:16; 1 Corinthians 16:20; 1 Thessalonians 5:26; I Peter 5:14)
So what does “holy kiss” even mean? And is it something we should be doing today?

It's important to consider the verses in context and not to pull two words out and consider them alone. So, first, we should consider to whom the command is given and why.

In each of these passages, the writer, inspired by the Holy Spirit, is speaking to a congregation of God’s people. In most of these cases, there’s evidence that the brethren were having trouble getting along, so a reminder to greet each other was no doubt purposeful. Many of the epistles specifically focused on unity between Jews and Gentiles, and, in other places, between rich and poor.

It's also important to read the letters Paul wrote and see how much space is taken, typically in the first chapters, personally greeting multiple Christians. Take time now to read Romans 16 and count the individual people mentioned. Paul knew and loved people in the congregations where he preached. These weren’t generic letters. They were to real people and real congregations. (*This does not mean, of course, that they aren’t still applicable and important to us today. It’s only meant to remind us of the context and the specific people addressed at the time.)

Whether you literally kiss your brothers and sisters or not, the goal should be to really know and love your church family. It’s easy to call a “holy kiss” a cultural bygone, but it’s also easy to see why we might be better off if we spent more time really connecting with those around us. A handshake might be more culturally normal in many American congregations, but taking a moment to pull someone close enough to hug and have a close conversation might help someone feel connected in a way she otherwise might not. When is the last time you’ve really talked to one of your sisters?

TOUCH
Throughout Jesus’ ministry we find powerful examples of touch. We’ll focus on just two of those examples, but dig in and study others.

First, let’s look at the woman in Luke 8 who reached out and touched the hem of Jesus’ garment, hoping she'd be healed. Stop to read Luke 8:40-48. The woman had spent her life’s income trying to be healed of a bleeding issue that hadn’t stopped for 12 years. Can you imagine how awful this would’ve been, especially in the time when she lived? As females we know that just a single week a month can sometimes be painful, tiring, and irritating; 12 years in the First Century – without modern supplies and medicines – must have been completely miserable. According to verse 44, she was healed “immediately” when she touched the hem of His garment. Can you imagine the relief she must’ve felt when she realized what had happened? The Bible tells us that in verse 47 she trembled when she shared her story with the crowd around Jesus. Again, can you imagine the joy she felt knowing all that she had experienced and knowing she’d finally been healed? Verse 48 is such a comforting verse, as you can almost hear Jesus’ calming voice saying to her: “Daughter, be of good cheer; your faith has made you well. Go in peace.” What a blessed relief it must’ve been, and it all started because she didn’t let her fear stop her from touching Jesus!

Next, we move to an account of Jesus touching someone in a situation when others often wouldn’t. In Luke 5:12-16, we read the account of a man “full of leprosy.” A man with leprosy asked Jesus to heal him, and Jesus reached out to touch him. The Bible says, “Immediately the leprosy left him.” Jesus’ touch is powerful. After Jesus touched him, he told the man to present himself to the priest so he could fully follow God’s laws and ensure he was fully cleansed. Stop to read Leviticus 14 to see the Mosaic laws regarding this. Leprosy in biblical times carried a very strong social stigma and was often assumed to be a punishment from God. Because of how contagious it was, people with leprosy were socially isolated and rarely able to hold jobs or live with others, including their families. Today, leprosy is treatable, and fewer cases are reported annually.

Some people are more touchy-feely than others, but there’s clear scientific evidence that hugging improves mood and lowers stress levels. This doesn’t, of course, mean that you should go up to random people and hug them indiscriminately. Almost all of us, though, benefit from feeling more physically connected to others. Research tells us that a few longer hugs is better than lots of short ones, and there’s even research that suggests hugging can help your immune system. (I’m not an advocate, for what it’s worth, of “hug-your-neighbor” introductions at the beginning of sermons, and I felt that way long before COVID or hyper anxieties about germs. You never know who might be in your audience who doesn’t quite feel comfortable with touch communication for whatever reason, and everyone should feel loved and welcome to sit and hear God’s word. If you suggest something like this in your congregation, please always ensure it's optional, so those who are touch-sensitive don't feel uncomfortable if they abstain.)

TREMBLING
Trembling in the Bible is a physical response to deep reverence toward God. We typically think of fear negatively, like being scared of a robber or being afraid to ride a roller coaster. Fear is often spoken of in the Bible as something we should feel, though, and there are sometimes physical manifestations like trembling or shaking.

Read these selected verses about trembling, and consider whether you're taking God seriously enough, both overall and in your worship of Him. 

Psalm 2:11
Psalm 114:7
Isaiah 66:2
Philippians 2:12

Do a word study for "trembling" and see what other verses you find that will deepen your understanding.   

PROXEMICS
Proxemics shares the same root as proximity and deals with physical space and distance and how it impacts our communication.

TERRITORY
Does your congregation have assigned seating? If you’re snickering when you read that, consider just how long you’ve sat in the exact same seat. For many of us this is a habit and not something we truly feel tied to. Imagine, however, being a visitor and walking into a congregation for the first time and being told, “Oh, I’m sorry, that’s Sister Beulah’s seat.” Yes, it happens. And sometimes it’s Sister Beulah who points it out! (So we’re clear, I don’t currently worship with a Sister Beulah and I’m sure if I did she’d be a precious sister who wasn’t a seat hog.)

We should never have territory within the church building. If you sit in the seat where I’ve usually sat, I should smile at you and find another spot. If you park in my typical spot, I should be thankful to see you and find another place. Even joking about having our own spots within the building or parking lot can make others feel unwelcome.

God’s decisions don’t always make earthly sense.

He calls us His children (1 John 3:1).
He gives us an inheritance and doesn’t care about our racial or ethnic background (Galatians 3:27-29).
He sees our heart instead of just what’s outside (1 Samuel 16:7).

While we get picky about church pews and parking spaces, God cares about us individually. May we learn to be more like God!

CHRONEMICS
Chronemics shares the same root from which we get words like chronological. It’s the study of how time impacts our communication with others.

If you have a plane to catch at 10 a.m., are you the kind of person who shows up to the airport at 7 a.m. or the kind of person who shows up at 9:30? I am definitely the person who shows up 7. And I’ve been that way as long as I can remember. When I have an event to attend in an unfamiliar location, I drive to the area an hour early, park and rehearse whatever is needed in my car, and then walk in early to ensure I know where to be.  

God has helped me learn how to better manage my time anxiety by giving me a son who is always right on time. You, like my son, may be the kind of person who can’t imagine all the time I’m wasting during those moments in the car or in the parking lot. Or if you visit another country, you may be surprised by how early or late they eat meals.

In the United States, we are particularly quick with meal times. We’re known worldwide for our “fast food.” We eat our food in the car, on the coffee table, or quickly at our desks. In many families, it’s rare to eat an extended meal at the table unless it’s a special occasion.

In many places outside the United States, this isn’t so. Meals are a many-hour event. Even kitchens are configured differently outside the United States, often with fewer burners on the stove, because families are accustomed to eating meals in many courses.

Mealtime or how you show up for the airport isn’t particularly important, though, and it definitely isn’t important to our salvation. Things like when to worship, however, are. So, did God tell us what time to hold worship services?

In one sense, yes.

Read these passages about the Lord’s Day – and dig into what day of the week that is:

Acts 20:7:
“Now on the first day of the week, when the disciples came together to break bread, Paul, ready to depart the next day, spoke to them and continued his message until midnight.” What can you learn about some of the typical things that happened during early assemblies by reading this single verse?

1 Corinthians 16:2:
“On the first day of the week let each one of you lay something aside, storing up as he may prosper, that there be no collections when I come.” What can you learn about expectations for First Century giving from this single verse? Do those expectations remain true today? Why or why not?

Revelation 1:10 – *This verse doesn’t specifically reference “Sunday” or the “first day of the week.” If you read the verse in context, do you think it’s referring to our day of worship? What does the term “Lord’s Day” mean to you?

We also know that the First Century Church met together daily (Acts 2:46). Most congregations within the United States aren’t consistently doing that. Should we be meeting daily? How can we tell the difference between an example and a command when we’re reading verses?

Final thoughts about chronemics:
Because you will likely interact with other Christians who don’t share your view of time, be aware that unless someone is suggesting you stop meeting on Sundays and start meeting only on Tuesdays, there often isn’t a right or wrong way to do things. If your elders decide to have Sunday services at 2 p.m. and are otherwise following God’s rules for worship, try not to automatically grumble and complain. Instead, look for ways to be supportive. If someone suggests meeting more regularly (daily, anyone?), think about what you can do to ensure your physical family is an encouragement to your spiritual one!